Oh, there you are.
Baby, I was wonderin' where you was.
Oh, what's the matter?
Tell pimp Billy Faunz everything.
Where were you? Come on.
You gotta tell me. Come on.
- Where were you?
You best be tellin' me,
because I hate wasting Courvoisier
almost as much as I hate when bitches
ain't give me my money.
You usin' my money to shoot up and get high?
You better not, because I didn't give you permission to get high.
I own that ass.
And I hope that ass is hungry, baby,
'cause I'm gonna feed it my dick.
Oh, my god.
Okay, Ronaldo,
just hold tight.
This will only take about a few more hours.
I cannot wait to see what my penis looks like
- through your eye. - Well,
every time I draw one of these,
I see something new and beautiful.
It is the only thing that keeps me going.
That and obviously
the love for my child.
Hold on one sec. Alister.
Alister,
can we deal with that?
I am so sorry. Daddy duty calls.
Oh, please, don't apologize. I understand.
You draw when you can,
and you father when you have to.
Thank you so much for understanding.
Alister is a lucky guy.
But if you ever feel like jumping ship
and going for a ride
on the u.S.S. Ronaldo fuck ship,
the ship that is my cock,
if you ever want to get away and have sex time
in a maritime location...
Any of this making sense?
You're cute, you're cute, very cute.
No, it doesn't make sense.
Never help me.
Well, I suspect you know the way out.
It is the same as where you came in from.
The door. Remember the door?
Remember when you came in?
Oh, yes, the door. Yeah, sorry.
- All right, see ya. - 'Kay.
No, that's not how we use a door.
- Oh, look. - That is not...
It's like a broken windshield wiper.
That is a... okay.
You are bad at using doors.
- Thank you so much. - How'd I get here again?
I don't know, I'm not a spy,
but I assume you took the train.
Oh, you want your own train?
- Okay. - Okay, bye.
Alister.
Alister, are you okay?
Alister, Alister.
What... what... what... What happened?
- Eddie's crying. - Oh, oh, I know.
I was on my way to him and I must have dozed off.
Yeah, because you have, like, narcolepsy,
and you need to see a doctor,
because you're always falling asleep.
Oh, Adam, it's not narcolepsy. It's comfort.
Ever since that tragic accident severed my spine,
I haven't been able to use my legs.
Yeah, I know all of this.
I thought I would want to die.
And then I realized just how comfortable it is.
It's like I'm floating on clouds.
- It's just... sometimes I fall asleep. - Yeah, I get it.
We all fall asleep. Everything falls asleep, okay.
The problem is you fall asleep
when you're not supposed to fall asleep, like in the daytime.
Alister, are you kidding me?
Okay, are you falling asleep like this when I'm at work
and you're supposed to be watching the baby?
No, I would never.
Except all the times that I do.
Come here, you. Come here, you.
Somebody woke up on the wrong side
of the playpen thingy, didn't they?
Come here. Come here.
Are you hungry? Are you hungry?
Okay, you want some fairy milk?
Yeah.
Slow down, Mr. diarrhea.
You're gonna have a stummy ache
if you keep drinkin' like that.
I think he wants you to tell him his favorite story.
The one about how I came to Los Angeles
alone and pregnant?
- He loves it. - Right, well,
it all started a few years ago.
Hold on.
Tell it with the pictures.
Want the pictures? All right.
All right, you look at the pictures.
Okay, it all started a few years ago
in quatsack, New Hampshire.
It was just going to be a camping trip with some friends,
but then we were attacked by a horrible cult
- that was sacrificing...
young frat men to a yeti.
- That was your other daddy, Eddie. - That's right.
You see the yeti,
he was controlled by the cult via magical spell.
He don't wanna do bad things.
He don't wanna hurt anyone, he just wanted to be loved.
And, uh, that's where I came in...
Hey, language.
Into the picture, Alister.
- All right. - I fell
madly in love with your father right away.
Before I met him, I was just an abusive,
homophobic asshole.
And your father, he, uh,
showed me my true self.
He showed me how to love.
This is, uh...
This is the hardest part of the story, buddy.
Your father was shot...
Shot through the heart
by a fearless yeti hunter.
And, uh, even though
our relationship, it was short,
it was very physical,
and it was very passionate,
and I ended up like a lot a girls... i was pregnant.
I was pregnant with you.
And you look just like...
- You look just like him. - And then what happened?
Well, everyone else was brutally murdered,
so your uncle dick and I,
we ended up moving out to Los Angeles to start a new life,
and a local dumb cripple,
he helped up find an apartment,
and through him we met Alister.
And uncle dick lives next door.
Oh, my god.
What's wrong?
It's not working. You're terrible at this.
I've never had any complaints before you.
I've never had a problem finishing before you.
My last girlfriend would do this...
Oh, well, I'm sorry I can't just stick a machete
into my ho-ha and yell,
"I'm your murdered ex-girlfriend Debra!"
Can't or won't?
Why are we always fighting?
I don't know.
It's not you. It's me.
Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.
You're right, it is you.
- Hey. - No, sorry, you're right.
Uh, you, you were right the first time,
not the second time. It's me.
You know how I was betrayed.
What if I never fully love again?
Are you saying you don't fully love me now?
Your words, not mine.
- Where are you going? - I'm gonna take a walk.
So we're not gonna talk about this.
You're just gonna run off.
I said walk. I'm not gonna run.
Do you know how crazy that is?
- I'd be exhausted. - You and your secrets.
What if I were to tell you
that there are things about me that you don't know?
That's ridiculous.
You're a girl.
Girls don't have secrets.
Anyway, this is all...
About me right now.
Catch you on the flop side.
- It's flip side. - Whatever.
Dick.
- Alister, watch his head. - All right.
- Hey. - Uncle dick.
- Hi, Eddie.
- What's up, guys? - Uh, the, uh,
boys were just walkin' me to work.
- You wanna join? - Yeah, yeah.
I came over here to talk anyway.
Is everything okay?
No, dude, no.
Uh-oh. Sounds guh-nar.
I just don't get it.
Amanda's pretty, she's beautiful.
She's pretty.
Probably some other stuff too,
but something's just missing.
Is this about your evil dead ex-girlfriend Debra?
I think about her all the time.
Like dying on the leaves in front of me.
Machete inside of her,
the light leaving her eyes.
Ooh, what do we have here?
I'm gonna kidnap that yeti baby.
Do you know what it's like
to constantly be thinking about
the person you lost
- but love more? - Of course I do.
It's kinda messed up, but I haven't even
- had an orgasm in years. - What?
That's fucking bonkers.
I barely can stop coming.
I just jizzed my pants, like right now.
I've just never found another woman
who can compare, I guess.
I am sure there is another girl out there somewhere.
Like where?
Oh, my god.
- I gotta go. - Wait, what?
We're literally mid-conversation.
Can you believe this?
Alister. Alister!
What? Are we there?
- Oh, I'm sorry. I must of... - Dozed off.
- Yeah, you did. - Yeah, well,
color my Floyd pink, because I am comfortably numb.
Shut up.
Can i... can I see the doctor now, please?
For the last time, this ain't an urgent care facility no more.
Okay, I'll... I'll wait.
If you're gonna bleed, at least bleed
in room three, the blood room.
Excuse me,
- I'm looking for girl... - Fuck,
if you're another uptight Midwestern father
whose little baby daughter moved to the big city
with big dreams
but no money in her pocket,
then, yeah, she's probably here.
And she's probably up on that sweet pole,
shakin' her sweet, sweet sliz
for some sweet, sweet, sweet siz.
What?
"Siz" is my own personal slang for cash.
Oh, um, all right, that's dumb,
- but... - And "sliz" means "pussy."
But "pussy" means...
Nah.
Look, I don't have a daughter.
- I'm so sorry for your loss. - No, no, no, no.
There's just... There's a girl who like,
she came in here like a minute ago...
Oh, a girl who walked in here like a minute ago.
That's angel snowflake. She's in the Jack-off booths.
That's where girls show off their...
Look, uh, thanks for the info.
Least I can do after what happened to your daughter.
I don't have a daughter.
You've moved on. I'm so proud of you.
What? Nah.
Alister, I need to know that you can take care of Eddie
- while I'm at work. - Adam, you worry too much.
- I do it all the time. - I know,
- but he's all I have. - We're all you have.
I know what I said. Do not forget to feed him.
- I know. - And his wipes are?
In the cabinet I can reach. Adam, relax.
- Nothing bad is gonna happen. - I know.
I guess this is what over-protective sounds like.
All those people on the mommy blogs,
they are so right.
You've suffered so much loss. It's only natural.
- You don't have to apologize. - Thank you.
All right, well, I'm gonna get to work
at that bookstore right there.
- So... - It looks closed.
Yeah, that's because I have to open it.
That's my job. I work at a bookstore that I have to open.
How come we can't visit you?
It's not wheelchair accessible. I don't know.
Whatever reason you need.
Okay, come here, baby.
Mommy's gotta go to work. Okay, you be good.
You, do not forget you can't feed him after midnight.
Just kiddin', those are gremlins.
You.
Bye, mommy. Eddie say, "bye, mommy."
Bye, mommy. Bye, mommy.
- Bye, Eddie. - Bye, mommy.
Bye, Eddie.
Bye, mommy.
- Bye, Eddie. - Bye.
Bye, Eddie. Alister, get the fuck out, bye, Eddie.
All right, asshole,
if you're gonna fuckin' freebase in the bathroom,
you gotta share.
Here we go.
Still got it.
Hey, homeless John.
- How you doin'? - Not so good.
I'm homeless.
And you?
Havin' the time of my fuckin' life, man.
Every day just keeps gettin' better.
Ah, it if isn't Adam.
The only person that brings joy
in my otherwise dark existence.
I didn't know you were workin' tonight.
My baby won't feed itself
until it's older and knows how to use
forks and knives, you idiot.
I respect the hell out of the fact
that you are so constantly unkind to me.
Now, you march yourself up there and earn that baby
some sweet, sweet siz. "Siz" is what I like to call...
Cash? Yeah, I know.
Hah!
I...
Can't finish. I can't finish.
I'm your murdered ex-girlfriend Debra!
Oh, my god.
Boogity, boogity, boo, sex piss comin' through.
Sorry, I shoulda knocked, but I never do.
Anyway, let me clean up all that slick jizz, bro.
You look familiar.
A lot a Jack-off jockeys say that about me.
You know why? It's because I'm always watching.
Always... skeleton key.
Oh, sorry, that's a tiny dildo.
Skeleton key.
This thing gets me everywhere I wanna go
in this filthy little butthole, and I love it.
- Okay. - Hey, you look confused.
Let me show you around this little slice a paradise.
- So that's the stripper stage. - It's true.
It's a very tiny little penis.
It's a blessing and a curse, you know.
Adam?
Uh, I would hate to have your life.
- Thank you. You really mean that? - I mean that, I do.
- Thank you so much. - I would despise myself.
- Dick. -Why are you dressed like this?
Aren't you supposed to be at work?
I am at work.
Calling to the stage little Willy Wenis.
This tiny baby Dick'll do whatever you want
because... that's his job.
Excuse me, I've been a bad whittle boy.
Hey.
Oh.
Nice moves back there. You really yanked that crank.
- You could see me? - Of course. Wait.
You think it was a two-way mirror or something?
- Yeah. - No.
- Eh. - No reason to be ashamed.
I see a lot of dumpy weirdos in my line a work.
It's nice to know I can still make a cute guy come, too.
Thanks.
I just really wasn't expecting anyone to see that.
And you were still that gentle.
You can tell a lot about a guy
by the way he jerks it when no one's watching.
I can tell that you're a nice person.
That you care about your mother.
And that you're a pisces from quatsack, New Hampshire.
- Angel snowflake. - I'm dick.
Nice... Nice to meet you, angel.
Out of curiosity,
how did you know I could only get off
if you called yourself my murdered ex-girlfriend Debra
while lightly tapping your sliz with a machete?
Oh, my old murdered ex-girlfriend Debra routine?
I've been doing that one for years.
But no one's ever liked it.
- Hmm? - Until you.
Hey, there you are, you ran off.
You don't have to sit here and talk to the whores, you know.
I'm really sorry. She's not a whore.
That's a horrible thing to say.
I don't know why I'm like this.
- Come on, let's go. - Nah, I'm good.
- Let's go. - I... I'll... I'll see you.
- Come on. - Ooh...
Sex piss.
I know that look.
That's the look of a girl in Liz.
"Liz" is my cool "slanguage" for love.
You're the worst.
Yeah, you're right.
Nobody likes me.
Or should I say us?
This is the VIP lounge.
There's some real torrid shit behind this curtain.
You're gonna like what you see. Come on.
I'm a "firsty" "widdle" boy.
A lot a great rooms back here.
There's one for fisting. There's one for fooding.
There's one for two guys dressed like the president making out.
I don't care.
- Why are you showing me this? - Because you're my friend.
Get a load of this feast of crazy.
- Occupied. - Actually, we just finished.
That's tom, tom, and their aunt tom.
Tom's a denim daddy.
What is a denim daddy?
It's like a leather daddy, only on a budget.
Get it, tom.
You were terrible this time.
Now this is where lumpy,
the world's most forgetful snowman, lives.
Oh, gosh, oh, gosh, oh, golly, where did I put my shoe?
Look. I don't care.
I don't like you. We're not friends.
I hate the things you love.
I don't care.
I don't need to be back here.
I don't give a shit. I don't care.
- We're not friends. - Well, you suit yourself.
Gonna miss the best part.
Eddie, did you leave the door open
and or break the lock?
No, motherfucker, I did.
And Tinaynay broke the lock.
Yeah, I hate locks.
What do you want?
I want what's in your lap.
Oh, I'm paralyzed from the waist down.
It doesn't work anymore.
No, I want what's on top of that.
You mean the little jacket my grandmother made for my penis
- to keep it warm in the winter? - No, you Chromo.
That's what he calls crippled homos.
He's a genius.
I want that "yebi."
And that's what he calls baby yetis.
God damn he's so smart.
Suck on this, fool.
A sandwich?
Wrong pocket.
Suck on this, fool.
Get the fuck off... Get it off me!
You fuckin' motherfuckers
messed with the wrong motherfucker.
I'm gonna make your top half like your bottom half.
Holy shit! It really is tiny.
I didn't believe a penis could be so small, but it is.
One more round of heckling for little Willie Wenis, please.
- Get outta here. - -Boo.
Thank you, guys. Thank you, baby.
Thank you, guys.
I'll use these for my baby.
- Come on. - What? No.
- We're outta here. -I've gotta get the rest a my diapers.
- Ew. - You're better than this.
No, I'm not.
I guess I always knew
you couldn't make that much money working in a bookstore,
but guess I just wanted to believe.
- Does Alister know yet? - I tried to tell him,
but he fell asleep again.
Besides, I didn't try to tell him.
Guess you think I'm a horrible person.
- Always have. - Sorry, I completely zoned out.
I was walk-jizzing again. What'd you say?
Always have... Thought you were a horrible person.
I guess that's why we're friends.
I do not remember putting blood all over this door.
I don't remember putting blood around Alister.
I definitely don't remember taking the face
off that stranger.
Eddie?
My baby!
He was only a toddler.
I know. That's why it's sad.
What happened?
My baby yeti Eddie has been kidnapped,
and Alister might go dead.
I'm so sorry. My grandfather went dead.
Is there anything I can do?
Yeah, you could un-shoot someone for once in your life.
Alister.
Oh, my nose. What happened?
I was in my wheelchair, and then I fell asleep.
I had the strangest dream.
Shh, shh, shh, dreams aren't real.
But what is real is you've been shot.
- Try not to get up so fast. - Oh, he can't get up.
He's actually a lazy bones wheelchair boy.
Good, that's probably for the best.
That bullet almost killed him.
- I don't know how he's alive. - Oh
saved by my lucky frog tags.
- Do you mean dog tags? - No, they're frog tags.
You know, in the summer,
when you go down to the creek to catch frogs.
You give 'em these tags,
and that way when you come back the next year,
you know which ones are your friends.
- This one was slipperyess. - That's not a real thing.
It is too a real thing. My son loves frogs.
- Who the fuck is this guy? - You'll have to excuse him.
He's a girl.
I'm sorry. I didn't realize.
So, if you weren't shot,
why is there blood everywhere?
Oh, I must've urinated.
It's always that color.
Oh, good, wheelchair guy's alive.
You tell me who did this to you?
Well, officer,
he had brown hair and brown eyes.
- He could walk. - We get it.
- You're in a wheelchair. - We try not to talk about it,
- but we always do. - I'm in a wheelchair.
Not at the moment.
Anyways, to make a long story short,
he was almost a comically pimp-looking fellow.
- Does that help at all? - No, not at all.
Our job here is done.
I'm gonna classify this as mystery unsolved.
- Boys, let's go. - But...
You're not even gonna help us find my baby?
Sir, I'm a police officer.
I'm not a weird, baby-finding man.
So have a good night.
Detective Bernie weekend, late as always.
Officer Wahlberg, do you ever get sick of fucking your mother?
No, I get sick when I fuck your mother.
Oh, but your mother's still a good lay?
Yeah, she's real nice.
Good to know.
Cop banter. Ha ha ha ha!
I'm detective Bernie weekend.
I understand someone close to you's been abducted.
Yeah, my baby yeti, Eddie. He's been kidnapped.
Yeah, I betcha these guys weren't much help, were they?
That's exactly what they weren't.
Listen, I'm probably not supposed to say this,
but these guys aren't gonna help ya,
'cause these guys are workin' with the enemy.
That pimp that was in here earlier,
he runs this town, controls the cops.
You can kinda think of it as a, you know, cop mafia.
That's a really helpful way to think about it.
Well, anyway, the cop mafia has their fingers in a bunch of pies.
- If you know what I mean. - Gross.
Didn't anybody else just see him wink at me?
- Shh. - Shh.
Why is everybody so mean to me all the time?
What the cop mafia doesn't finger,
the pimp fingers on his own.
All of it.
Sex, drugs, whatever...
Okay, okay, this guy has my baby.
- Where do we find this pimp? - Pimp Billy?
You don't find pimp Billy. He finds you.
Oh, damn, we were that close.
There may be a non-person that could help ya.
- Wait, a non-person. - Like Linda?
The pimp keeps this, uh, yeti hooker on his payroll.
Yeti hooker. Where would we find this yeti hooker?
Hangs out usually down at Lexington and 36th.
Where's that?
Lexington, 36th, intersection.
It's where the down boys go.
Definitely be dangerous for you...
Cocksucker, you gonna come join us at the bar,
or you gonna stay here and jerk off those victims?
Cool off, mark. I'll be right out...
- Of the closet. - Of the closet.
Cop repartee.
Listen, I probably shouldn't have said anything.
Cop mafia might kill me.
- Good luck. - Wait.
How do we know we can trust you?
Because this isn't a real mustache.
Oh.
Because I'm all you got.
Oh.
Because another reason.
Oh.
Does anyone have 20 bucks?
I keep losing all of my money.
No, get outta here.
Let's go find my baby.
Okay, okay.
What the hell is their problem?
Oh, you noticed, too.
They're being total assholes.
Hey, Linda.
Fuuuuuuuuuuck youuuuu.
Why do you talk to her like that?
I don't know.
Here's the plan.
We go down town, we find this yeti hooker.
Awesome.
You know there's a great topless place down there called "Manny's."
Perfect. So you know how to get downtown.
I do. But you're not gonna like it.
Why am I not gonna like it?
That's not a... What?
There's no confusion there.
I heard every word they said.
Well, well, well, isn't that all kinds a special.
Too bads for them. I already got what I want.
Now, now, now, relax.
This will only hurt if you're a pussy.
Such a brave little boy.
It'll be over soon.
Behind the trash can, that is classic Majassic.
Now get the fuck off my phone, I'm busy.
Dr. lust, what's the status on this situation?
Blood has been drawn.
- DNA mapping takes 12 hours. - I don't want numbers!
I wanna know if this can be done tomorrow!
I'm afraid that's not possible.
Oh, I'm sorry, Drake.
Why is that not possible?
Sir, with all due respect,
you know Drake mandrake
would never try to pull the wool over your eyes.
You and I have been friends for some 20 years.
Why, I took you in when your mama Rosemary
abandoned you as a child.
And then later in life, when I was down on my luck,
you were kind enough to bring me in to work in your sex lab.
William, I'm a straight shooter,
and what you're askin' us to do
in the time frame you're askin' us to do it,
is impossible.
While I disagree with your actions,
I do not question your motives.
I'm truly sorry for havin' failed you,
but I'd be lying to both you
and to my own self if I was to say tomorrow was a possibility.
Today is truly my judgment day.
I will give your mama Rosemary your regards.
Now where are we on gettin' this situation handled by tomorrow?
Ah, that's completely fine, tomorrow works.
I don't what he was talking about.
Good.
Then let's get this piece a shit cleaned up.
It's kind of ridiculous
havin' those things next to each other.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have 'em in every room.
You're just asking for trouble.
And who are you, my mother Rosemary who abandoned me?
Jeez.
Dr. lust, I believe we have a game of Candyland
-to attend to.
Alpha-male move, dog, I respect the shit outta ya.
That guy.
See, I told you you'd be okay.
I didn't sign up for this sorta type of stuff.
I just wanted to dance,
to pay my way through vcr repair school.
So I could fix my vcr
and watch all those dance lesson tapes.
Somewhere along the way, I forgot who I was.
Until I met, him.
It's a security camera photo.
It's the only thing he left for me to remember him by.
Not the only thing.
Ah, sex piss.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Yo, yo, yo.
If it ain't our favorite treesy.
I was wonderin' when you'd come around.
Oh, you eyein' some Steeves you need, girl?
- 100 bucks.
Come on.
Oh, I bet you tagged this green
the hard way, huh?
Go on. Go get it. Yeah, go on down.
Look at you bendin' over. Just how I remember you.
Yo, yo, burn, cuz.
Full of 'em today.
So what do you say, fur patch?
How 'bout a freebie, huh?
You know, sex-wise.
All right, you get your fix first,
and then we'll get our fix, sex-wise.
Yeah, sex-wise.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Well, well, well, what do we got here?
Nice try, hero, but not nice enough.
You see, we came to this alley to Jack off
on people who didn't want it.
We're the alley Jacks. It's what we do.
Yeah, we're disgusting. We love it.
But now it appears that the hunter
has become the jacked offer.
- Alley Jacks! - Yeah, boss.
Assemble, all over his face.
I wish I could tell you
that the yeti fought the good fight
and the alley Jacks let him be.
I wish I could tell you that,
but downtown is no fairy tale world.
Regardless of how good the tapas are.
Gotta be around here somewhere.
Yeah, this really is a butthole of a neighborhood.
I feel like they kinda jinxed it when they
called it the rape district.
What the hell?
He's all yours.
We already did what we do.
- Hey, alley Jacks. - Yeah, boss?
- Let's go get some tapas. - Oh, at Manny's?
As if anyone would go anywhere else.
Could you stop relating to the alley Jacks?
You scram.
Oh, my god. What did those perverts do to you?
Your eyes.
We should get outta here.
Yeah, let's get you cleaned up, buddy.
Come on, we'll make him nice and new.
I just saw everything.
Now I know exactly what it means.
You poor thing. They missed your mouth.
Stupid tube yogurt. I always miss.
You look so peaceful when you slumber.
I can't help it.
Being handicapped is literally the most relaxing thing
that could happen to anyone.
That must be why you're always fallin' asleep.
I'm always tryin' to tell Adam that.
He just doesn't understand.
You know, there's a lot of things
that Adam doesn't understand.
Please, you could write a book on the things
that dick doesn't get about me.
Maybe I will.
Really?
Yeah, get me a laptop.
All right, tell me something that you hate about dick.
Okay, well, for starters,
I feel like he never listens to me.
Hmm, yeah, Adam never listens to me either.
He says that when the yeti died, his ears died, too.
Okay how 'bout this.
You say something that you don't like about Adam,
and I'll say something I don't like about dick.
Really?
Adam's never asked me my opinion about anything.
That's your first one. Now it's my turn.
So, dick spends way too much time on the computer.
He's always trolling "Huffington post" and ignoring me.
Yeah, Adam spends way too much time
drawing pictures of penises of men who can walk.
Dick's really dismissive of my wants and needs.
Tell me about it.
Adam wouldn't go to my mother's funeral
because he said that she didn't go to his.
Dick is still in love with his dead ex-girlfriend,
who was in a cult, by the way.
Adam's still in love with his dead ex-boyfriend,
who was a yeti, by the way.
You know, you and I have a lot more in common than I thought.
Yeah.
There is one other thing.
Something I've never told anybody.
You can tell me anything.
It would better if I showed you.
All right, but don't take too long
'cause I might fall...
Like most girls, I got into wheelies as a tween.
But unlike most girls,
I never grew out of it.
Do you think I'm a freak?
If you're a freak, then I'm a wheelie.
I'm sorry, I'm not very good at this.
I've never hit on a woman before.
- Have you ever hit a woman? - Oh, god, no.
I mean, with your mouth, on her mouth.
Useless.
Why is this thing a best seller?
Listen, I'm not good at this either.
Can we just make out?
Okay.
But can you come to me?
I'm in a wheelchair.
And I love it.
What are we doing?
Making your tween dreams come true.
Oh, my god.
'Cause the heart of rock and roll,
the heart of rock and roll is the beat, yeah.
Oh, god damn it. I meant to buy liquor and porno mags,
but I got cantaloupes.
Fuckin' Ambien.
Ow, ow, bright light, bright light, what?
Detective weekend, looks like you have
quite the party planned.
What are you gonna fuck this fruit?
You're the fuckin' fruit, Wahlberg.
I don't have time for cop banter right now, weekend.
- What's going on? - Why don't you tell me?
Okay, I'll tell you what's happenin'.
You're a fuckin' prick, Wahlberg,
and your mother,
ain't half the lay you told me she was.
- Ow! - Smart ass.
- I followed your friends. - Why, you couldn't find
friends of your own to follow?
You helped that fucking queer who's trying
to fuckin' find his queer fuckin' yeti baby.
- Bullshit. - Pimp Billy Faunz
is seriously startin' to doubt your dedication
- to cop mafia, okay? - Oh.
- And I can't say I blame him. - Fuck you.
You cop mafia?
- Aah! - You cop mafia?
- Fuck you. - You cop mafia?
Yeah, I'm cop mafia.
I'm cop mafia!
Oh, come... I'm cop mafia. I paid for these fruits.
- You fuckin' cop mafia? - Yes, I said... aah!
- Say it again. - Ah, I'm cop mafia.
More louder.
I'm cop mafia. I'm cop mafia!
Good, okay, and don't you fuckin' forget it.
For your cantaloupe.
Which one of your legs is the most paralyzed?
This one.
Put it inside me.
Put him up again.
Watch your head, watch your head.
We're basically there, okay.
Here we go, into bed you go.
Go to bed.
Shh, you just need to relax, okay?
Good boy, you're gonna be okay.
You can stay here tonight,
but I have a reservation coming in,
- so you have to be gone before noon. - That's no problem.
Thank you so much, Ronaldo. This is a huge help.
Not at all, my friend.
If everything you said is true,
it's the least I can do.
At least let me repay you.
- Oh.
All aboard the fuck ship.
I was thinking more along the lines of a free portrait,
but always great to see your penis.
I had to try.
Godspeed, bye.
Thanks babe.
He's incorrigible.
How did you get us a night for free
at the nicest hotel in la?
Well, Ronaldo there, he's actually the manager.
And I draw his dick, so...
Oh, that's what that is on the walls of your place.
I always just thought you sucked at drawing snakes.
- What? -Well, you're actually a pretty good artist.
Hopefully I'm equally as good as detoxing
junked out yeti whores.
- Ugh. - What? What's wrong?
It's a cummy matchbook.
From the sexy dance club.
The sexy dance club, that's where I met that girl.
Maybe somebody there can tell us about the pimp.
I don't know, I mean, I worked there for a while,
and I don't remember hearing anything about any pimp.
Yeah, but I should probably go talk to her.
What, why?
Eh, gotta do somethin'.
Right now, but, we got
the yeti.
Please make it through the night, my love.
I just said it. I said that.
No, no.
Look out. Behind you. Look out!
Oh, my god.
Oh, god!
Stop it, I need your help.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh...
- Calm down.
- Calm...
Down.
Don't be a bitch.
- Calm the fuck down.
Calm down, you little yeti. You pussy.
This is supposed to help with detoxing, okay?
- This is a cold rag.
This is gonna help with your detox from heroin.
Stop doing that.
Those noises are for dead people.
Cough it out, but stop because nobody likes it when you do that.
Here you go.
It's hot water with a tea bag in it.
It's good for you.
Yeah, tea bag, I get it. You're awful.
That was quite a night last night.
You were touch and go for a while there, but...
I'm glad you made it through.
You know, it's funny,
I've been taking care of my boyfriend, Alister,
for so long now, it's starting to feel like a burden,
but, with you, it's different.
It's like you needed me.
With him I felt like I was his Butler.
But with you, I feel like I'm your life raft.
- Does that make any sense?
Sorry, I've never been good with words.
I don't know, it's like,
you know how someone can be perfect on paper,
but not clicking?
It's like with Alister, he is perfect on paper.
He's a crippled guy, can't walk,
is always fallin' asleep.
We have very little in common.
But for some reason it's not enough.
I don't know, it's like that magical feeling,
it's not there.
You know, I gotta tell you something.
I have never felt this way a second time before.
I'm feeling first feelings again.
You know, you remind me of someone.
Yeah, he was a yeti.
And he was the only man I ever loved.
Wow, oh, okay.
That is magnificent.
No, do not be so modest.
That thing is perfect.
I must draw it.
It's what I do, I'm an artist.
And that...
That will be my masterpiece.
This is it.
This is all I've ever wanted.
Yeah, you're really doin' it now, sex piss.
I know.
I wish I could see me through your eyes.
You need to cut your nails, dude.
Oh, my god.
It's perfect.
- It's you.
This is the drawing I'm gonna be known for
when I pass away.
Now it's complete.
You don't have HIV or anything, do you?
You know what? It's okay.
It's not a death sentence anymore.
Yeah, yeah.
- You wanna switch? - Uh-huh.
All right, let's switch.
This is where god lives.
Oh, mmm.
- Is that a yeti? - Mm-hmm.
We are not staying here.
Oh, yeah, not just for the ladies.
I'm gonna squirt.
Oh, no, I'm gonna squirt.
Oh, my god.
Oh, shit. What the fuck?
Are you okay?
Do you know what I like about you, Tinaynay?
- No, what? - I don't know.
I'm so fucking high, I forgot.
What the fuck is this shit?
Hi, sex piss. Hi, Tinaynay.
Tinaynay, would you mind putting on a shirt
- around baby Eddie?
Yeah, fine, okay.
God damn it, sex piss, you can't just go smoking crack around baby Eddie.
You're not my p.O. You can't tell me what to do.
You done ruinin' our high?
Why don't you get the fuck outta here? We got a reservation.
- What? -We got a fuckin' reservation.
Check it out with your eyes, dumb-dumb.
Jesus. Fine.
I'll go take care of this baby yeti somewhere else.
You know, I hate to see you go,
but I like lookin' at your butt when you leave.
- Fuck you, sex piss.
I still got it.
Damn, sex piss, you got a mean streak.
Yeah, but drug addicts, in general, are pretty awful.
You know, I don't really know anything about you.
Tell me your story, sex piss.
Well, I was literally raised by literal dogs,
but I didn't agree with their strict parenting,
so I ran away, and moved in
with another set of dogs.
Well, then my foster dad got heartworm
and had to be put down, so I ran away again.
I lived off dumpster slime and seagull meat.
It was the best time of my life.
Till I came here to the sexy dance club.
Holy shit. I too was raised by dogs.
Then my brother ran away from home.
So I went lookin' for him.
I had to do a lotta awful stuff
to survive on the streets.
Then I heard he had gone to L.A., so I came here.
Holy shit, sex piss, you're my brother.
Oh, my god, sex...
Tinaynay, your story was boring, so I left.
Sex piss, brother to no one.
- What ya thinkin'?
I'm just kidding, I hate clingy bitches, too.
You're such a great person.
Hey, we've all done things we regret, okay?
I know how it goes, you make one mistake,
it snowballs, and before you know it...
Exactly.
God, you have the heart of a poet.
You are Hilario.
Do you do an improv?
Seriously, no, you're very funny.
Oh, yeah, I guess you gotta have a sense of humor
once you hit rock bottom.
Is that when you met pimp Billy Faunz?
And he kept you all strung out
on smack and come.
You don't think that's gonna happen to Eddie, do you?
- I've gotta stop him.
You know, dick's been gone awhile.
He went to the sexy dance club.
You don't think anything bad happened to him, do you?
Well, then we've gotta get over there.
We've gotta save my baby.
And dick.
But we're gonna need some serious fire power.
Adam, my bro from a capitalist hoe.
- How are you, uh? - Ah, Vladimir, I'm all right.
- How are you? - I'm good, man.
Listen, why you only call me when you need something, huh?
Why don't you call me just to talk, you know?
Well, you are an underground gun dealer that I met
one time outside of the eagle, and we're not real friends.
Not real friends? Me and you. We're not real friends?
How do you explain to me this then, huh?
Okay, see, this is obviously photoshopped.
No, no, that's not.
That's me and you at a bar. We're having...
- No, that's my head. - -Yes.
- From a wedding. -And me. What wedding?
My head is sideways, and my body is...
You were snowboarding, you fell. That was an injury.
Listen, I'm here for your guns.
God damn it. Everyone's always here for my fucking guns.
You want the fucking guns? Fine, have some fucking guns,
huh?
Ooh, I like this one.
Yeah, that's a good one.
It's an assault weapon.
That's a good one.
I can't believe he wanted to charge us more for the suitcase.
Not on my watch.
Now, what do you say we go get my favorite bullet?
All right, come here.
- You're gonna love this bullet. It's like...
I'm sorry, sir.
You're never gonna be able to walk again.
Oh, god, say it again.
Slower.
- I'm sorry... - Oh, my god.
What the dick?
Adam, what are you doing home?
I just came back to get my favorite bullet.
I'm sorry. This isn't what it looks like.
She's not a real surgeon. It's Linda.
I'm cheating on you with Linda.
He's got a point.
You and I, we're not meant to be together.
You should be happy.
I wish you guys the best of luck, whatever that means.
- What are you gonna do? - I've got my guns,
now I'm gonna get my sons.
I mean my son. I only have one son.
Oh, by the way, I might have HIV.
Hey, hey, psst. Are you awake?
Hey, we gotta get outta here.
What's your name?
My name's dick. It's short for Dickshard.
Are you moaning because we're friends now?
Ugh, what's goin' on in there?
No, no, don't be like that.
Look, I've got more questions.
If I offended you somehow,
I apologize, but also, grow up.
What the fuck?
Everything's on schedule.
Actually, some things are ahead of schedule.
Hey, pimp Billy, this one's a wonky one.
Can I keep it, please?
I won't use it for sandwich meat.
I promise I'm not lying, please?
No, I just got you that goddamn new fetus shredder.
Use the fuckin' thing.
- Come on. - Get. Get.
Jesus Christ, that thing almost took my finger off.
And I need my fingers.
Ugh.
You're all fucking crazy.
You'll never get away with this.
Motherfucker, I always get away with it.
I got this whole town wrapped around my dick,
and I like the way it feels.
His body's almost ready to be impregnated.
Angel darling, bring me my yeti.
- Wait, what? What are you doing? - Science, motherfucker.
Turns out your little butt-buddy Adam
had somethin' that I wanted.
While yetis are highly desirable
and highly recognizable,
they're also extremely hypnotizable.
Naturally, being the horrible person I am,
I asked myself, "pimp Billy,
what can you do with this information?"
To which I said, "oh, I know, I can make an evil army
of yetis to serve me."
It'd be like my Vietnam.
But here's the problem.
Yetis are very rare, and even harder to breed.
Luckily Dr. lust is a genius in the ways of cloning,
and also has very low scruples and no moral values.
That yeti hooker you found, my yeti hooker,
that was just the beginning.
Well, the beginning, actually, was those sex piss clones we made,
but those guys just hang out.
- Can't get mad at that. - And I don't.
See, the problem was, with only one yeti, our gene pool,
and kiddie pool, was regrettably low,
leading to a series of tarded up mo-mo bags.
Like a copy of a copy of a yeti.
It went tits up. I needed one more source.
I needed another yeti.
Lucky for me, I found one.
Don't worry, Eddie, we'll get you outta here.
Stop givin' that baby false hope.
Now get him outta here. I was only using him for a prop.
Ow!
Aah!
Oh, there you go.
How you doin' there, boo?
You got an egg inside you now.
You're gonna be a mama, daddy.
What?
Shh, it's like my mama Rosemary told me,
suffer in silence.
Hey, PBF, you should take a look at this.
I think we got company.
There it is.
Anything I should know goin' in?
All right, so what you're sayin' is,
after we get through the strip club,
go to the VIP lounge filled with sexually depraved maniacs
and perverts, and after that,
Eddie should be in either the laboratory, harvesting chamber,
or pimp Billy Faunz's office. Got it.
What the? How did those assholes get on TV?
I'm supposed to be the star.
It's a security camera feed.
You can go outside if you wanna be on it.
I'm not goin' out there. They've got guns.
Sir, like, is there a camera crew following them?
Hey, come here.
Mmm.
You know, after this is all over,
I'll have Eddie back
and we can be a family.
We can talk about it later.
Really, you love me?
What the hell are you trying to say?
- Ah, come on, it wasn't that bad.
Seriously, I'm not patronizing you. It wasn't.
Oh, my god.
And remember, boys, if you hit a stripper
in the eye with a hot wing, you get a free calendar.
Hold the phone. Is that little Willie Wenis?
I'll show you a little Wenis.
Ah, I could've thought of something better to say.
You stupid motherfuckers!
Take my baby, now you take my bullets.
You stupid idiots. You dumb pussies.
Eat my fuckin' bullets,
you perverted motherfuckers!
You guys are really good at guns.
Not as good as these chicken wings, though. Eh, you're busy.
Well, now I can drain my pasta in you!
You have robbed me of my only love,
and now I rob you of functional organs
and functional life.
Stop the shooting!
You take my only son hostage,
I take your lack of holes away from you.
I remove your status of un-shot,
and I file it away in the office of vengeance.
You're not gonna kill me.
I ain't dyin' on the fuckin' job.
You didn't think about this, did ya?
You did it.
God damn it.
Fuck this.
God damn nickel draft night.
To play devil's advocate, it's a great price,
and it gets a lotta butts in the seats.
But now everybody's so tanked they can't fire a gun straight.
- Yeah, of course, sorry. -Fuck this. I'm goin' to my office.
I think I have a yeast infection.
My pussy's on fire.
It's gonna be okay.
Just like that story in the Bible I told you.
The one where Jesus kisses the robot on the mouth
and he becomes a real boy.
We're gonna get out of here as long as we're brave, right?
Mm. I'm gonna go get us some help. Be right back.
I don't care if you believe it,
guy had never heard of frog tags...
Frog tags. He never heard...
It must be nickel draft night in here,
'cause these clowns aren't makin' any sense.
I had to say something.
We'll keep an eye out...
For you.
End of the fuckin' line, ass blasters.
- Oh, my god. - Lame.
You're gonna come into my town,
ruin my day off,
kill basically all the guys I know.
I never actually thought about it like that.
But I did.
Weekend, what the fuck you doin'?
Handing in my resignation.
Oh, what the fuck?
Why'd you shoot that stripper?
That was my ex-wife, but you're next.
You askin' me to marry you, sissy?
Till death do us part.
Cop banter.
Wait, does this mean...
I think it means I'm not cop mafia anymore.
I'm just a cop now.
You did it. You broke the curse.
But why?
Oh, I just realized I should probably do what was right.
You know, for you, for me.
But most importantly for you and that
tiny little yeti baby of yours.
You got some Wahlberg on ya.
Oh, thank you so much.
Now, just...
Oh, it's really in there.
Thank you, I don't wanna look foolish.
Yeah.
I'm finally free...
I got him!
No, why did you do that?
I was saving you. He had his gun in your mouth.
He was saving me from a messy mouth.
Oh, my god, I'm so sorry.
It's okay. You killed one person.
Not a big deal. He probably had a family.
Probably had little kids. Whatever.
They're not gonna be picked up from soccer practice today.
No big deal.
I'm sorry. I'm not comforting you right, am I?
It's okay. I know where baby Eddie is.
- All right, what's the plan? - Right past the Jack-off booths
is the VIP lounge. It's filled to the brim
with fetishes, perverts, and weirdos.
The second we open the door, they're gonna tear us apart.
Let's go.
We'll have to clear the room out as fast as we can.
That'll do, pig. That'll do.
Don't look around, 'cause you'll be shaken
to the core by what you see.
Fresh meat, let's kill 'em!
After that, there are fetish rooms.
Fart fetish jazz rooms.
Oh, my god.
They're pretentious and shitty.
The white trash clown room. It sucks so fucking bad.
Fucking fucking disgusting pieces of shit
and their bullshit frat boys coming in here
with their fucking bullshit face paint.
We can ignore this room, it's just where lumpy,
the world's most forgetful snowman, lives.
I do not ignore things.
But I don't want to die.
Okay, now that all those consenting adults back there
have suffered for their proclivities,
what do we do next?
Oh, next?
Next you fuckin' die.
- Unless you die first. - Oh, you can't kill me.
If you do, you'll never see your yeti again.
Drop the gun.
It wasn't a question, motherfucker!
Drop the gun!
Why are you doing this?
Because I'm evil.
What, ain't you ever seen an evil pimp
with goat legs before?
Yes, but it was many years ago.
Shut up! Enough!
I'm gonna kill you in front of your son.
Ha, he said the part about killing him
in front of his son. It's so cool.
I wish you were my dad.
I still need two minutes to fertilize these eggs.
Make sure no one comes down those stairs.
- Heh. "Comes."
You can't just put that in me.
- Well, you know you want it. - No, I don't.
Well, now you know how girls feel.
Ow!
You really stuck it to him.
Is that...
Dick?
Hold on, what do we have here?
Nice little bag a heroin.
I wonder if there's anybody around here who loves heroin?
Hey, anything happens, and the heroin gets it.
No, you don't need that. You have me now.
Oh, oh, hey, maybe you don't need him anymore
'cause you have this now.
A nice soft pony you can ride all the way home.
Don't do it.
- Come on.
Yeah, you know you need it.
That's the one.
See what happens now.
Now I win.
I thought you loved me!
No one loves you. You're an asshole!
I gotta go save my dick.
Now get on your knees.
I wanna tell you both a story of the future.
A future with yetis far as the eye can see.
Hey, you can't come down here.
It's a private party. Stop.
- Outta my way. - God damn it.
- Awesome.
Get away from him, you bitch.
- You, I knew you'd betray us. - How?
Because your name is angel fuckin' snowflake.
That's like the least evil name ever.
Pimp Billy is such an idiot.
When getting applications for girls for your position,
there was girls with the name Cruela Evilseed,
Villian Von Punishkill,
Joan Hitler. And we went with you?
Fuck you.
- Bitch! - Bitch!
Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, yes, I know a guy with two thumbs
who would love this.
I'm gonna go get him right now.
Too late to save your dumb boyfriend.
Sooner or later he'll be torn apart from the inside.
No one's gonna tear him apart, except for me,
when I peg him.
Really?
Yeah, if you're into it. We'll talk about it.
Meh.
Let's get you outta here.
Man, you're gonna love this. It's totally your speed.
If you say so.
Oh, lame. It's already over.
Look out.
That's lame.
Oh. Oh!
- All right. - Damn it.
At least we got some juice in this after all.
God... I assume I'm walking to safety.
Hey, sex piss two, don't let it go to your shred.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
old sex piss has got no beef with you.
I gotta live to finger bang another day.
Sex piss.
I feel like that was the best kiss I ever had
- in my entire life. - I know, me too.
Now let's go find your friends.
But first I have to fix my hair and makeup.
- All right. - Cool.
All right.
And then, and only then,
when all of mankind has passed on
and the yetis are living across the lands
will I be their king.
Livin' in a big-ass house and doin'
weird shit because I can.
Shut up, slut! Take it.
No, drugs are bad.
Drugs are bad? You think drugs are bad?
Swords are bad.
You wanna see your daddy eat the raw end of a metal blade?
I'm gonna cut you in half.
What the dick?
No!
No, no, you saaa...
You son of a bitch!
This next bullet is my lucky bullet
given to me by my mother Rosemary
before she abandoned my brother.
But Rosemary was my mother.
Oh, my god.
No, no, no, no, no. No, baby.
Go take care of your friend. I'm gonna help baby Eddie.
Oh, no, no, no!
No!
It happened again.
Why do bad things always happen to good people?
'Cause there is no god and we're all alone in this universe.
And I'm beginning to think we might not be the best people.
That makes sense. Thank you. I feel a little better.
What do you boys say about taking this little guy out
- for some waffles? - God, I hate waffles,
but I could go for a crepe.
No, what did you do, no, no.
No, no.
No, no, no, no, PBF, no.
No, PBF, why?
What did you guys do? You broke him.
You assholes. He was the best guy I ever met.
I have so many presents I haven't given him yet.
And he'll never get 'em.
- Fuck you. - What was that?
The self-destruct button.
Why does this place have a self-destruct button?
There's one in every room.
There's even one next to the soap dispenser
in the bathroom. It's so annoying.
It's because pimp Billy had a vision,
and that included having self-destruct buttons in every room,
and you took him away from me.
- Angel! - Go out the front,
- I'm gonna go around the back. - Are you sure?
I'll catch you on the flop side.
Oh, my god. I love... I...
Come on, let's get out of here.
- What the? - Shit.
Get in. There's no time to explain.
Well, isn't that a time machine?
Couldn't you technically make time to explain.
I'm being a pill. I'm being a little bit of a pill.
Take these, you'll need 'em where we're going.
Wait, what about your kid?
He'll understand.
No, no, you did it.
You blew it up.
You blew it all up, bastards.
It's okay, Eddie,
we're gonna find your daddy someday.
Someday.
This isn't over.
Welcome to the future.
No fucking way.
It's incredible.
Is this a city full of yetis?
It's a whole planet full of yetis, man.
Wait, is that a statue of pimp Billy Faunz?
Yeah, it is. And there's more.
You're gonna wanna read this.
Is that...?
Looks like me.
"Wanted for crimes against yetimanity."
I'll show them some crimes against yetimanity.
Sex crimes.
Wait, what?
I just finished the quilt that I started
on the same day that you started your book.
How's it going, by the way?
You mean my book about how Adam and dick
don't appreciate us?
I just finished it.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm so proud of us.
Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick, Alister.
You, my friend, are a genius.
This is fantastic.
This book made my head explode.
I gotta tell you something, in my entire life,
I've never read anything like this.
It's true, he hasn't.
Oh, my god, I can't tell you how happy
it makes me to hear that.
You're gonna make Cormac McCarthy
look like senator Joe McCarthy.
That's exactly what I said.
We have a hit. A huge publishing hit.
So, let's bring out the Jesus juice,
and I've got the good stuff right here, buddy.
We're gonna share this. We are going to share this.
- I'm so happy. -Unfortunately, as you know, we've had a little bit
of a financial reversal, so we have no glasses,
but we do have this doggy bowl.
Mm, let's celebrate.
Come on, come on, come on.
Have a little bit. Come on, lap it up.
Come on, give me a paw.
- Could I have some of that? - What?
Your Jesus juice is down here between my legs.
Come on, get down on your knees, you,
and don't you even look at this.
It'll affect your style, right?
Close your eyes. That's much better.
Barbara duckman. Oh!
- There you go, homey. -Thank you so much, Mr. Swooplin.
Swoop.
Make it out to sex piss.
"Sex" is spelled the normal way,
but "piss" is spelled p-i-s-s.
That's a stupid name.
You see these two guys on the cover?
They used to be my best friends.
Then they killed my father figure
and destroyed the only place I've ever loved.
Now, I'm gonna travel to the ends of the earth
until I find them, and I'm going to exact my revenge.
I'll be finger-banging their souls in hell.
That's stupid, too.
On another note, if you guys need a third wheel
in your relationship, I swing both ways,
and let's make that fuckin' wheelchair a tricycle.
Thanks for the book.
Joke's on you, asshole. I don't know how to read.